NEEDS CRITICISM

Here's an email I wrote to a college coach earlier today. I just wanted some criticism on it, anything I really could've done better.
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Hello Coach McMenemy:

My name is Daniel Qin. I am a student-athlete from the class of 2017, playing CM/DCM/ACM (in no particular order); number 79 at the UMich ID camp earlier today. I was wearing a black long-sleeve shirt, white shorts, and white socks. My hair was in a topknot (if you still have trouble matching the name and the face: stereotypical Asian, talked about grades at the end of the camp).

I just wanted to shoot you a friendly email letting you know I am extremely interested in not only studying at the University of Michigan, but--if possible--playing under its amazing coaching staff as well. Beyond winning the Big Bear Trophy against cross-state rival MSU for two years (and running), multiple UMich soccer alumni have been called into not only national team camps, but MLS combines as well. Knowing this--its an undeniable fact that the staff supervising the University of Michigan Men's Soccer Program is among the top in the nation (if not the best). However, the best coaches in the nation--need to bring in players of equal or even greater quality to maintain its greatness, right? Realistically speaking I am not quite up to par with your boys--at this moment. However, I am confident in the near future, I will have what it takes to wear the maize and blue uniform on the pitch with Pride.  

I have big dreams, Coach McMenemy.

Now onto the important "stuff."

I know you just love questions, so here are a few.

1. When we talked, you said that you had wanted to see me play outside of the "ID Camp Environment" and see me active in a more realistic setting. Beyond guest playing for another team, what other possibilities would you suggest?

2. Would attending another one of UMich's soccer camps (I'm talking summer), also help the staff get a better grasp of my personality as a human, ethics as a student, and abilities as a player?

3. I mentioned to you that I was with "Next Level Training" by Aaron Byrd. One of your players, Yamman (also trained with Aaron Byrd), stated that he would likely be back at "Next Level" during this summer. If you get a chance, do you think it'd be possible for you to come to one of the training sessions in that time period, or maybe even one earlier? 

We train at 799 Denison Ct. Bloomfield Hills, Michigan. 

Current Spring Schedule for the next eight weeks (3/3 to 5/1) is:

Thursdays @ 8:00 pm; Saturdays @ 1:00 pm; Sundays @ 1:30 pm

4. Let's assume I decided to play my freshman year at another college solely for college-level in-game experience, a college where I'd play a majority of the games. How would the transfer process look, and could I still stay in touch with you, and how?

Obviously, I still have more questions to ask, however, like most human beings, I don't particularly enjoy answering seven pages of questions on a daily basis, wouldn't you agree?

Thanks again for having me at the ID Camp earlier today. Hope to hear back from you soon.

Sincerely,

Daniel Qin

Troy, Mi (2017)

Next Level Training

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TO MS. VALENTINO: 

Sorry again that this post isn't directed related to anything we did in class this past week. However, I tried to create some comic relief to the serious nature of the email by injecting sarcasm and irony. I also tried to create "voice" in this email, using some colloquial terms like "stuff." 

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P.S. ALL RELEVANT INFORMATION OF THE PERSONNEL RELATED TO THIS CLOSED DISCUSSION IS WITHHELD DUE TO LACK OF PERMISSION TO SPEAK OF OR ON BEHALF OF THESE INDIVIDUALS